That’s something that I’ve been struggling with lately. I make a mistake, or think a wrong thought, or do something mildly wrong and I feel like I’m swimming in guilt. But I think half the time we need to give ourselves a chance. Because if we simply say “oh no! I had a small bad thought. Now there’s going to be more and eventually it’ll ruin my life!”, it’s not helping us live for God. It’s bringing us down.
I have a strange personality. I’m strong-willed and if you know me for long enough, you’ll learn that. There is NO changing my mind on abortion (how could a person KILL a baby). It’s not even worth trying. If there’s something I want, or an arguement I want to win, it’s mine. Even earlier today my Grandma was here and said to my mom “you could probably get the baby to be good for you. If you threatened to punish him and he knows that you do it, he will be good for you. But I remember Natalie when she was that age. She was just so strong-willed!” Which is true, and always will be. In some ways that’s good, because I have my mind set on what I believe and it’ll take A LOT to change that. But at the same time, I know that God wants me to be like that, but He wants me to have a meek spirit and NOT have to get the last word. So I guess that’s something to work on. And I really do have the desire to serve God, so He will help me.
But on the other hand, when I do something wrong, I usually have a repentant heart and make a tearfull apology. That part of me tells me to beat myself up when I do something wrong. Tells me that it’ll ruin my future. But no, it’s just not true. One night I did something that I don’t even think is considered wrong and if it is, it’s the smallest of things. Liteterally. And I went to bed, swimming in guilt, and when I woke up I thought “Wait. This isn’t a big deal, at all. Everything’s fine.” So that’s the bad part of having such a big conscious. But at the same time, tonight I went to God tearfully and prayed for Him to help me stay on line. That’s one of the many good parts.
So with these two things, maybe I can convince myself that I’m okay. That the tiny things I do aren’t worth beating myself up over. And that one day, God will bring to me exactly what He wants me to do if I let Him.
Your sister in Christ,
P.S. check out my prayer request page please!